Inside Thoughts Out Loud

Blog

  • Leasing life

    My body has never been my own
    I am too loud, too much
    Then how come you don’t hear my screams
    I am too big, unattractive
    Then why is my body a distraction
    Why aren’t I safe
    I wear rolls of soft armor puckered with markings and flaws
    I don’t want to be desired. I didn’t ask
    For this body, this gender, this life
    I did everything right
    Or wrong
    Which one is safer?
    I choose that
    My body has never been my own
    We are all just temporary occupants of this world
    We all rent our physical space so am I just subletting mine?

  • Shock and Awe

    Fireworks end the night. And they end the show with setting off every last one in quick succession to awe and amaze and override our senses. We leave after the fireworks. We rest, maybe we talk about the show but it’s hard to describe our favorite moment.

    It was the boom with the fizz but not the zzhhh. The kinda sparkly one that looked like the other one but instead of the color or the different direction or the…it was the…

    It’s not impossible to figure out but it’s tiresome. And our senses were just on overload so we don’t care to parse it out right now if that okay? 

    But then we wake up and there’s another show, with new favorites to describe and was it better than last nights show? Or just different? And there’s another one tonight. And two tomorrow again. 

    That’s what’s happening right now. We are being overloaded and constantly trying to pick the worst injustice to give our attention to and to highlight in our stories and advocate against but then there’s another and it’s similar but different enough to need a separate description, a separate course of action, another post or rally or phone call and a new sign, to make sure we’re staying on message. Because they are making so much noise, it’s hard to hear just one voice; that’s the point. 

  • Where do I begin?

    A poem

    Where do I begin? How do I start?

    A royal we sounds passive, a cop-out.

    Using you is belittling, accusatory

    Saying I is selfish…even if I am the one speaking?

    How do we know to listen if we’re not included?

    Is it even for you if no one told you?

    Why is it only about me because I am the one speaking?

    This is my experience 

    Take what you will

    We ALL get to decide what’s real

  • Listening to myself

    Friends say I have great insight and I want to help others; so I listen. I want to help. I read people, sense emotions, detect nuance and follow my intuition but I battle with sharing out. Empathy has always been a strength. Imposter syndrome has always been stronger.

    I am starting this blog as a place to listen to myself and share openly. This is my voice. I am not an expert, I am an observer. I will be honest and, hopefully, we will all heal a little.

    Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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